Creature or Creator?
The summer of before my senior year of high school I decided to read Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. While reading I experienced a feeling I had never felt before while reading a book of fiction. Admittedly I was not a very avid reader at that time. But by then I had read or at least listened to many books.
Frankenstein starts with some letters from Captain Walton to his sister. While reading the second letter I read this, "I have no friend, Margaret [his sister]: when I am glowing with enthusiasm of success, there will be none to participate my joy; if I am assailed by disappointment, no one will endeavor to sustain me in dejection". He then goes on to describe characteristics of a friend. When I read this I remember stopping and rereading it a few times. There on the pages of a book purchased in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart and written over 180 years prior was someone that felt exactly like me.
It was difficult making friends, but I did have friends growing up. However, I none that established a deep or lingering connection with and none of these relationships have survived into adulthood. I feel like this is large part due to me being blessed and afflicted with a reclusive, shy, and reserved temperament. I don't open myself up to others so why would others feel obliged to open themselves to me? But I feel I'm getting off the topic of this post (more to come about "the shield" in a later post).
Over the years the story and theme of Frankenstein has come to my mind intermittently. Recently I was talking to a coworker about our favorite books and I mentioned Frankenstein was one of my favorites. I explained about feeling as Captain Walton did but also how I have found myself identifying with Dr. Victor Frankenstein. (Don't worry I have not, nor do I have intentions of reanimating dead flesh.) I have metaphorically created a creature that I could not contain.
The specific creature I am referring to is my work persona. When I entered the workforce I wanted to be know for being hardworking and dependable. So I would just do my job and not really get to know the people I worked with. It allowed me to get a lot of work done , I didn't have to worry about social situations, and any stress related to work could be easily compartmentalized. It seemed like a win, win, win situation. The problem with this is that I spent a lot of time being "work Matthew". I worry about this creature becoming who I am rather than a persona I access.
