Hero's Path

This post has changed significantly from when I first started it. It was originally going to be about there not being any detours on the path of duty and how I was going to have to leave that path if I was going to have any fun. Then it was about accepting the lone hero's path and abandoning all other pursuits and relationships; swimming back as it were and "White Fanging" those around me. I don't know why I go to extremes. Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens. It should come as no surprise that it is neither extreme would be completely fulfilling.

I feel that I have been blessed with the capacity to do many things. I feel a great deal of responsibility to use that capacity to help others. I have felt that mine was a path of duty; a hero's path. I want to be the hero and truly feel that a hero lies in me. Heroes sacrifice for others and give of themselves selflessly. Their strength comes from within and is powered by a desire to defend and protect those they love. A hero only looks after their own needs after everyone else is safe and taken care of. "Everyone learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one."

The hero's path isn't without reward. There is happiness to be found in the acquiring and honing skills and when someone is able to be rescued or when a task is done well. This outlook has lead me to take myself too seriously. I should learn to let go and have more fun. Take a detour and venture off the path of duty. Others around me are able to let go have fun. Why can't I? Maybe I should join them. Even heroes have the right to dream. If I join them who would rescues us if we got in trouble? Who rescues the hero?

When I hear or see a group of people laughing or having a good time I will usually not approach or join because I feel like they will have more fun without me. Sometimes I think that my presence makes others uncomfortable because I don't join in the fun at the same level as them. No one wants to party with the janitor around. If the one that does the cleaning is around the partiers may feel self conscious about making a mess and restricted in their merriment. Doing the party the janitor is off doing his duty elsewhere and will come and clean up when everyone has left. His reward and satisfaction is in knowing that his setting up and cleaning makes it possible for others to have fun.

I have taken a small detour from this path to try the path of fun. But the more I tried to follow the path of fun the more unhappy I felt and the more inward my focus became. I was trying to take two paths at once. I still wanted to be the hero but I wanted to be on a carefree path of fun. I was spurred on by these words "As a society, I feel like we need to remind each other often that an unhappy journey does not lead to a happy ending. It’s like we believe that if an achievement doesn’t involve stress or hardship, we don’t deserve it. We do deserve it, and we deserve a life built around a lot of ease and fun (Sheila Viers)."

During this inward focus I had a stark realization. If we look at our lives as puzzles. I felt I had been helping others look for and gather their missing pieces; holding their puzzle together. While doing this I was neglecting my own puzzle. I looked inside and saw I had no pieces of me left. I found myself with no hobbies, no friends, and no fun of any kind. I looked up and realized it had been a very long time since I had allowed myself to feel something other than responsibility. And I wanna feel something again. I started questioning many choices I made and began to feel like I needed to call a mulligan or find a reset button for my life. Would I need to abandon everything from my previous path the begin another?

I kept thinking yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run. There's still time to change the road you're on. I have always thought this was saying that there is always time to choose a different path. I realized that it could also mean that there is always time to change the path you're on. I could stay on the same path but change the path itself. I can still travel the hero's path but I could change the path so I wouldn't need to travel it alone. I can change who I allow on the path with me. I can change the artificial obstacles I put on path that restrict or confine relationships and behavior. Life is not many puzzles but a large puzzle for which we all share pieces. There is a place for everyone to fit in. Our lives are interlocking pieces and when I try to keep myself from making connections I could be keeping others from making connections that could help them and myself. Sometimes the path to choose is right in front of you; just gotta let go.