The Shield

I continually push back publishing this post. Even now by writing this introduction I'm putting it off just a little be longer and will probably bury it in past posts making it difficult to find. (my posts are not usually published in the order they are written and I frequently backdate the published date). I've alluded to "the shield" in other posts and I've tried talking to others about it. I just want to be able to explain this aspect of my personality (my true personality) in a way that others can understand. When I blog I often have all these points (dots) that I feel are related and make scene in my head but I struggle to connect them in a way that others can see the picture I'm trying to make.

As with any story the beginning is a good place to start. I was born with a quiet, shy, and introspective temperament. I was easy embarrass and quick to cry (or as my mom puts it "tender hearted"). These are not generally qualities are admired or respected by many young boys and were frequently the cause of ridicule. In school some subjects, especially reading, were very difficult for me to learn and a source of further embarrassment and teasing by my peers. Mine was not a stature or temperament that were conducive to violence so I didn't know how to defend myself. I still make the utmost care not to harm anyone physically or otherwise. (I may be getting a little ahead of myself with that last statement.)

I so desperately wanted someone to confide in. Someone I could talk to about how much I was hurting and to share my pain. I wanted a protector, a shield, that could make things better. Shyness and fear of exposing my vulnerabilities wouldn't allow me to confide in anyone. I was also afraid that if I told people exactly how I felt or what caused me pain they would be able to hurt me even more. Since I couldn't find that protector for myself, I would become that protector, the shield. Around this same time I discovered that not everyone felt pain and sadness of those around them as I did. The intensity of the shared pain was more acute the deeper I cared for someone. I would, as best I could, limit the number those that I cared deeply for. A rock feels no pain and an island never cries.

Feeling like my most dominant character features are weaknesses made me feel like I was weak. These were faults that must be overcome, or least hidden, if I was to become strong. This may sound unhealthy or odd but it made since to Little Matt (and still does to some extent). The idea was that if I didn't react when people tried to hurt me eventually they would loose interest or at the very least it will stop hurting as much. My silence is my self defense. I didn't want to be worthless and weak so I started to learn how to do everything for myself. Thinking that if I don't need help from anyone I would be strong and useful.

An unexpected byproduct of being quiet and standoffish was that people began thinking that I was very smart. And so I began to create the persona that got me through must of school. Protecting this perception people had of me was very important. If I'm quiet they will think that I'm smart and will leave me alone. And for the most part they did. I enjoyed the solitude most of the time but at times wished I had someone to confide in. Is this the price for having learned how not to cry?

Once I felt my personal shield was strong enough to protect me I could expand it to protect others. I could become the shield for others. I would be one call way, there to say the day. Despite limiting those that I cared for deeply I still cared others and their happiness a great deal. Because of my focus on being able to do everything for myself I became very proficient at many things and could serve others and sacrifice my comfort for theirs. This was usually done, as much as possible, quietly and in secret. If I can do things for others they will need me and I would be strong and useful. Oddly enough people began talking to me about their problems because I was "such a good listener" and the "always felt so much better" after having talked with me. I say with me but usually it was them talking to me. I would do my best to be an active listener and people just want to be heard. Maybe that's part of why I blog.

I fell a great need to be needed. So much so that I find myself doing things that others should do for themselves. I didn't realize until recently that doing this can make others dependent on me. A hard lesson for me has been that suffering causes growth and that when I try to shield others too much I can be stunting their personal growth. It's still very difficult for me to see others in pain or struggling without feeling like I have failed to adequately protect them. My greatest concern in posting this is that others will start trying to shield me as I do them. This is why it's hard for me to be vulnerable. Who could trust a shield that has weaknesses? But which is better to be protected by a shield with known weakness or one that you didn't know had a weakness?

What I thought were a great weaknesses are actually a source of great strength. Unfortunately learning this didn't just flip a switch inside me and change everything. It is still very difficult to let others to see my struggles and vulnerabilities. I am working on not trying to to everything for everyone by asking for and accepting help. For a shield is to be useful to anyone it must be held up.