Good, Strong Hands

There is a scene in The Never Ending Story that has really resonated with me since I first saw it. In this scene the Rockbiter is sitting and lamenting the loss of his friends. He looks at his hands and asks, "they look like big, good, strong hands don't they?" He failed them because he wasn't strong enough to hold on to them or protect them from the nothing.

In my self appointed role as "the shield" I have felt like this many times. If I feel I have failed someone or if others around me are suffering or in pain I feel their pain. Not just a feeling their pain though, I feel like there was something more I could have done if only I were stronger. If I was stronger I could protect them or shield them from the pain.

I learned that being easy to cry was not an admirable quality for a boy to have. I thought that if it was a good quality to have people wouldn't mock it. I looked at it as a weakness and something to be overcome. So Little Matt started working on controlling the outward expression of these emotions. Then after these emotions were controlled others could be bound as well. I felt that if I was in full control of my emotions I would strong and with that strength I could protect others.

There are many lessons I should have learned years ago but it is difficult to unlearn what you have learned and old habits die hard. I know now that crying or showing emotion isn't a weakness. But Little Matt has been vigilantly keeping his post at the valve for my emotions for so long. He is been there keeping things locked down for so long it takes extreme duress for him to be moved to allow emotion out. I have been able to cry but sobbing, really crying, Little Matt has great difficulty allowing me to be that vulnerable even when I am alone.

Some events have occurred in the past few months that have really given me cause to question my role as the shield. Two people that I care for greatly experienced tragic losses. I was not able to protect them or to even comfort them as I wanted to. All this because of the role and restrictions I put on myself. In one case I was so powerless had to leave get someone else that would be able to comfort them. The strength of the shield was tested and found to be lacking.

Despite feeling more worthless and weak than I have in a very long time I was still trying to be strong and emotionless to shield those that were mourning. If I couldn't help with their pain I could at least keep them from worrying or feeling my pain. Hoping to allow them to focus on their shared pain and comforting each other.

After a time and I had to retreat, alone to my office. Little Matt couldn't hold it any more and was forced to open the valve to release the pressure. I trying to be as quiet as I could, started to sob. After I thought I had gained my composure I left my office but had to almost immediately return to conceal another round of crying. After what felt much longer than it truly was I was able to gain my composure. Later that night I attempted to go for a run, as this has helped me deal with stress in the past but was sadly mistaken and ended up making myself more upset.

I hope others like me can benefit from me sharing this experience. Emotions, especially those that are deep and sincere are not weakness and that caring for others involves allowing others to care for you.